End of the Fourth Trimester

Owen would be three months old today. I thought about that this morning as I wrote 07/01/14 on a form for a patient. It wasn’t my first thought when I woke up this morning like it has been for his one and two month birthdays. I felt guilty when I realized that I hadn’t acknowledged his day upon awakening. (For clarification, he would also be 13 weeks old.)

Today was also my first day in a new position at work. I got a promotion, and I’m now working exclusively with teens and also supervising some other allied health professionals. It hasn’t escaped my notice that, on my dead baby’s 3 month birthday, I am doing something that I absolutely never would have had he lived. I’m happy about the new job. I love the work, and it’s closer to home. But I wanted to be getting back from maternity leave today, not advancing in my career. Hell, I would’ve been happy to be sitting in a hospital teaching Owen how to eat without a feeding tube today. I’m happy, I am, but what I wouldn’t give to be happy for so many other reasons.

I met Zach for lunch (another perk of my new job), and on the way back to my office I started bobbing my head to that happy Pharrell song. If you sat next to me at a red light, I wouldn’t look like a grieving mother.

I don’t know what to make of myself in this new (old) life. Sometimes I almost forget. Is that okay to say? Am I really allowed to put it on paper that sometimes I almost forget I had a baby and he died? I will absolutely never, ever forget Owen. But sometimes I forget how sad I am. Sometimes the grief sits so far beneath the surface that I can bob my head like a fool while I’m driving around town.

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4 thoughts on “End of the Fourth Trimester

  1. Know the feeling well. Sometimes I head bob, music blaring, big happy smile, tears streaming, ugly face crying – who knew all that was possible at the same time!? Grief is a strange thing.

    • Yes! It is an odd process, sometimes even more odd (odder?) the further out I get.

      I hope Will is doing okay and that you guys are getting a new routine! So glad that he’s (relatively) alright.

  2. yes! it’s ok to say. We all get distracted. And we deserve a vacation from our grief. I spend the day smiling and laughing with patients. I have a sign posted at work about my loss and wonder if some of them read it and then are shocked by the person they meet. But whatever- it’s my journey, my grief!

    And it is weird to think about the what ifs- how there are some secondary benefits (thats totally not the right word- I just cant think of anything better)- like not having to give up our careers to stay at home with a sickly baby. but wouldnt we love to have had to make that sacrifice?

    its a weird weird world we live in. sometimes I’m unable to process it all.

    • Sometimes people tell me how surprised they are about how together I am, and I want to say just give me a few hours . Then I wonder, should I be crying more? But nope. I just let if flow.

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